It has been 518 days.
17 months of negative pregnancy tests.
Countless ovulation kits.
Every month it’s the same thing. I have my period. I pee on an ovulation stick at the same time everyday. When my fertile days hit we have sex and just pray that this time it happens. After my fertile days end is when the sadness starts to creep in. My boobs start getting sore, I feel bloated and sick to my stomach. I count down the days until my period just hoping that it won’t come. I somehow convince myself I am pregnant and start thinking about all the wonderful things that will happen. And then I wake up to realize I am bleeding. I always think the next month will get easier, or at least I will stop feeling like a failure.
This is how every month is for me. I cry for hours each time I get my period. Yes, that is completely irrational. But to me it feels like I lost something.
I have this constant jealousy every time I see a birth announcement. I am happy for everyone who is blessed with a child but I am sad and selfish because I just want it to be me. I have never wanted anything more.
I want to give a shout out to those of you who are struggling with getting pregnant. It is heartbreaking, lonely, and tiring. You are allowed to scream and cry, but don’t give up. Keep pushing through. I am right there with you.